It has been two weeks now since our infant son, Benjamin’s, birth and passing. The pain is different now. The edge that was present the first few days is not quite as sharp anymore. The pain is still there. It rises at different times of the day and night. It is triggered by unpredictable thoughts and happenings. It is an elusive pain. I find myself thinking most about Benjamin when I’m playing with our other kids. I think about how I will never play catch with him on this side of eternity. I do hope we can get out in Heaven’s open fields and throw a baseball around. I think about how I will have to wait to hear his voice or his little laugh and see his smile. There is pain in waiting.
But, it’s teaching me to be more dependent upon God.
This past week, I was praying with the Deacons of our church during a meeting. The deacon that prayed for me said something to the effect, “God, You knew this was the way it was going to be from the beginning.” That really struck me. In my head, I knew that to be true but when he prayed it out loud, there was a real weight to the statement that struck my heart.
In the following days, it caused me to think about John the Baptist leaping for joy inside his mother’s womb in Luke 1:44. I have thought about the prophet, Jeremiah, being called by God to be a prophet to the nations even while he was still in the womb in Jeremiah 1:5. I spent some time thinking about the Psalmists words in 139:16 that God has recorded all of the events of our days in His book before they even took place.
God has a plan for our lives even before the first sign of life in our mother’s womb.
Of losing an infant, some may say, “Well, at least you didn’t have time with him because that would make the loss even harder.” I don’t if that is true or not. Benjamin is as a real to God as our four year old boys and two year old girl. And, because he is real to God, he is very real to us also. So, in that same breath, then, I must acknowledge God has a plan for this baby that is now gone from us but with the Lord. I’m sad that I wasn’t more of a part of that plan in this world. But, I look forward to my part with him in the next.
May God grant us the grace to be patient and wait on the working out of His plan.