Friday, January 04, 2008

When I Am Afraid

My wife, Monica, and I went to the Doctor's Office today. We didn't go to just any doctor, we visited the Chair of the OB/GYN Department at the Vanderbilt Clinic in Nashville, TN. We went to see this Doctor because Monica is 23 weeks pregnant with our fifth child. Our local Doctor made an appointment for us at Vanderbilt because of the mysterious death of our previous son, Benjamin, when Monica was 26 weeks pregnant. We felt quite privileged to have the opportunity to visit with this medical authority.
It was quite obvious the Doctor at the Vanderbilt Clinic studied all of the material and records that had been sent to her from our personal Doctor. She knew the information, without notes, to the point that I believed she knew more about us than we knew about ourselves. It was quite impressive. However, the journey led us to the same spot we have been sitting since April of 2006. We just don't know why Benjamin died in his 26th week of life.
We don't live in those moments very often. Please don't think that the details aren't there in extreme clarity though. Visitors, prayers, thoughts, pain, sorrow, sobs...all of the memories from the days when Benjamin's life slowly ended to the day we returned him to the dust of the ground exist in painful clarity. Like piercing daggers they come alive when we are forced into those moments.
I sat in the room with a brilliant Doctor surrounded by all of the scientific technology you could buy and a cutting edge medical education program and I found myself mentally searching for Scriptures that declare the Sovereignty of a trustworthy God. A few came to mind. When we were back home I found another: "When I am afraid, I put my trust in You. In God, whose word I praise, in God who I trust; I shall not be afraid." Psalm 56:3-4 (ESV) Isn't that beautiful? David acknowledges his fear. Yet, he declares that he will not be afraid. Instead, he will trust.
In that room at the Vanderbilt Clinic we sat at the intersection of fear and trust. We decided, by the grace of God, to travel down the highway of trust. God is sovereign. He does not waste a hurt. We will remember His Word. We will praise Him.
Just a few moments before we joined the Doctor in an examining office we enjoyed a lengthy ultra sound with a sonographer that graciously acted as a tour guide for us to look at a healthy baby boy in Monica's tummy. There were many interesting pictures along the way, but this one caught our eye. In the picture you see Jameson's hand made into a fist with his thumb sticking up. At our house this is a sign for "Good Job!" or "It's alright!"
Now, I'm not one for signs. But I'm not one for coincidences either. So, you see, I'm sort of stuck. No matter what though, I think this was God moving my thinking toward trust. One day I hope to show Jameson how God used him to encourage his Mom and Dad. Obviously, Jameson won't be able to take credit for it, but I hope we can smile, laugh and praise God together for his little gifts that help to remind us that when we are afraid we find our hope by trusting Him.

No comments: